Sometimes, you (I) need to wallow in your (my) own misery. Historically, the winter months are a time I make rash
decisions to chase away the doldrums. I don’t know if it’s
Seasonal Affective Disorder or just the return to our pre-human
hibernation patterns but the dreary gray rain fits my mood.
It’s no secret I have a long history
of depression; what Finnish woman in the northwest doesn’t?
Through the magic of pharmaceuticals I’ve had a handle on it for
years and always remained mostly functional even during the worst
moments. But, sometimes I need to take a day to feel sorry for
myself, to hole up in bed and cry for no real reason. I’m an
introverted loner by nature so I’m comfortable being alone.
I turned 42 on Groundhog’s day
(speaking of introverted loners), while I know that’s hardly “old”,
it’s the oldest I’ve ever been. It was also the cutoff date for
trying to have a baby with Prince Eric. I don’t want a newborn at
43 or older. I don’t regret getting my tubes tied in my 20’s and
I don’t regret getting them untied a year and a half ago. I
would’ve always thought I turned down an opportunity, not knowing
that the opportunity wouldn’t happen anyways. I have two children
that I am grateful for, and I only had a sample taste of what
infertility might be like. It would feel devastating to not be able
to have children when you desire them. For my childless by choice
friends, I also understand and support your decisions. It is nice to
be able to pick up and go without a lot of hassle, to go out to
dinner or a movie without planning a babysitter, to have extra money
and freedom. I can appreciate the positive in both.
If you suffer with depression, it’s
okay to take that occasional mental health day. Let yourself grieve
and be sad. I can recognize the signs when I’m slipping downhill
and after acknowledging it, I start to take care of myself again. I
might go to the forest or the beach, or go tanning (I treasure my
wrinkle free skin, but need that extra shot of vitamin sunlight
sometimes), get a haircut or schedule a massage. And yes, it’s
easy for me to do all of those things because I am without young
children. And, it’s easy for me to do those things because I am in
healthy mental place and I’ve learned coping skills and have the
chemical help (Zoloft) that I need. While I might need a “time
out” now and then, I certainly don’t want to live there anymore.
If you’re
looking for me this weekend, I’ll be at the spa enjoying my
birthday gift from Prince Eric in the sauna, steam room, and
whirlpool overlooking the ocean followed up with my 90 minute facial
and stone massage. As for Prince Eric’s approaching birthday, I
can’t give him a baby but I can give him a puppy.
*When the bad days overwhelm the good ones and you don’t take pleasure from anything anymore or you’re participating in reckless behavior to avoid looking at yourself, please seek help. A boy that my daughter grew up with recently took his own life and left a devastated family. It gets better, I promise.
National Suicide Prevention Hotline
1-800-273-8255
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