It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christm . . .annukah!

I realized as I took a photo of my ornament (thanks Heidi!) from the ornament exchange via Where the Bleep is My Stork??!! that my menorah was still up.  Yep, I enjoy spinning the dreidel and watching the candlelight grow nightly.  No, I'm not Jewish.  I don't even know that I'm Christian.  I'm a hodgepodge of spiritual ideas, aka Unitarian Universalist, sometimes Lutheran, sometimes pagan-oriented.  A recent FB status I saw (Patti Poe-King?) talked about the "controversy" of saying Happy Holidays vs. Merry Christmas and how we are afraid to offend others but is anyone really offended?  Is this a controversy that doesn't even really exist? Much ado about nothing?   I agree with her, I've never had anyone react badly when I've wished them a Merry Christmas.

Many religions have ancient stories that tell the story of a god reborn to great rejoicing: the Egyptian sun god, the pagan horned god corresponding to the winter solstice, the Christian Jesus.  Most scholars of Christianity will agree that Jesus was not born on December 25th and he's not really "the reason for the season".  The Jewish tradition of Hanukkah has some basis in the miracle of oil that lasted in the temple for 8 nights when only 1 night's oil was had.  Again, it's a story of lights brightening our dark winter.  Even Santa Claus is a story that involves a miracle man.  The point is, there's room for us all.  It's a season for celebrating the sheer magic that we all exist.

So a Finnish Introvert Walks Into a Football Game . . .

How can you tell if a Finn is an extrovert?
He looks at your shoes instead of his own when he's talking to you.

I've always been an outwardly unemotional person.  I consider myself to have a great sense of humor, but I'm rarely moved to LOL at movies or tv.  I don't jump up and down cheering on my favorite team.  I don't even have a favorite team because I became disallusioned as a kid when I found out the players on the Seahawks and Mariners didn't actually grow up in Washington.  I've never been a sports person, hated playing, hated watching, etc. Since Melody came along I've gradually become a little more knowledgeable about basketball and softball and I enjoy watching her play.  She's tried about every sport out there: karate, soccer, volleyball, bmx, track & field.  I was always too shy, too self-conscious, too un-coordinated to attempt to play.   Plus, I was much happier with a book.

Prince Eric is half Irish/half Italian.  He grew up watching and playing football and baseball.  Prince Eric lives for football season, one of the first things he told me when we started dating was to expect to be a football widow.  He cheers, yells, boos, jumps up and down!  He shows emotions, he LOL's.  He knows how to have fun.

Yesterday I went to my first Oregon Duck's game with 60,000 fellow fans.  It was loud, it was cold, it was a long hike up to the 83rd row, it was expensive, and it was a frustrating stop and go (mostly stop) traffic trying to leave the area afterwards.  But it was fun to be amongst the camaraderie of diehard fans and to hear the chants and team support.  I can appreciate the dedication of these loyal followers and the "we're all in this together" atmosphere.  It's kind of like finding someone who grew up in the same small town, you have a common connection.  I'm looking forward to going to the Civil War, the annual post-thanksgiving battle between the Ducks and the Beavers.  That's when the real craziness will come out.  I like to dress up, to put on a costume, it's why I've always liked Halloween the best of the holidays (well, that and the free candy).

So, I'm trying to embrace this love of my Prince.  I'm looking for a copy of Football for Dummies, I'm planning my game outfit, I'm putting my game face on.  Maybe I'll even cheer a little.  Just remember, just because I don't look like I'm not having fun doesn't mean I'm not.

 

Settling In

The leaves are changing, the smell of wood smoke is in the air and pumpkins are lining the store front;  I've always loved this time of year.  We've lived at the coast for over 4 months now, I've completed 4 weeks at my new job and Melody is almost halfway through her first term at a new school.  Almost everyday the sight of the ocean causes me to think "wow, I actually live here".  This morning we woke up and decided to go fishing and crabbing, drove 20 minutes to the spot where the bay meets the ocean and planted our lines.  I wandered the beach, scouring for glass floats and discovering driftwood art and abandoned bonfires to warm my feet.  We didn't catch anything, the weather was a little foggy and damp so we packed up and went home, all before 11:30 am.  I love being this close to adventure.

I think living here has been successful for all of us.  Despite not particularly wanting the job I applied for it suits my needs more than I expected.  I get to travel to different worksites and events for outreach, help people who have been struggling to make ends meets, and do public presentations.  I've even been on the radio and in the newspaper.  Prince Eric also has been able to grow professionally and is making connections through the chamber of commerce, taking leadership classes through the community college and is now the new head softball coach of one of the high schools.  Melody is even settling in nicely in our new community.  She chose a small charter school, 220 kids in grades K-12, and she doesn't hate it.  She's not skipping off to school happily every morning, but the absence of hating it says a lot for her.  She's made a few friends and just got her driver's license this week.  Ursula drives the route to see the ocean waves and occasionally wanders up to the casino to play penny slots.  We live closer to my brother and Prince Eric's mother and sister and have seen them more since we've moved than we have over the last couple of years.  Even Flounder has become a beach dog and loves to frolic in the sand in our protected cove.  Maybe we've found our place, where we're supposed to be.

There's also a new project we have cooking, we'll let you know as it unfolds ;)

Toeing the Line . . .Workin' for da Man

Yep.  I'm now a governmental employee with great benefits. I've always worked in the private or non-profit sector, this is my first experience in a public entity, and it's a whole different world.  I'm used to making my own decisions, running my own department and gettin' it done.  Now, I have to ask for permission, fill out a form, and go through the proper chain of command.  I don't know how many times I've heard "ask your supervisor" over this first week.  It's a large organization, I understand there has to be rules & regulations and policies & procedures when dealing with that many employees and departments, and I'm willing to try.

While I loved the flexibility and autonomy of my previous positions, they also lacked clear direction and boundaries.  I think this is my chance to grow.  Sarcasm, whimsy, eclecticism is part of my persona, but maybe it's limited me professionally.  I know my mouth has gotten me in trouble over the years and I've often said things off the cuff.  I'm ready to move beyond that.  There is a place for me in this government world without giving up my "me-ness".  I'm leaving the funny signs at home and going with office décor that still shows my personality.  I'm dressing a little nicer but still in my unique style.  While I love to throw my pajamas or lounge wear on as soon as I get home, I've always loved to dress up too.  I feel confident and optimistic as I start this new endeavor.  Sure, it will take some getting used to not lone-wolfing it but I will learn my role in this organization and thrive within it. 

But for my blog, well eff that, I'll say whatever the eff I want.

OMG! I totally have OCD. I clean, like all the time.

Uh huh, yeah.  That's totally OCD  . . . . having to have your desk straightened or your refrigerator spotless. If only you knew.  I know people just mean it jokingly and say things like that off-handedly, but I cringe inside when I hear it.  I've been plagued with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder since I was about 7 years old.  It's not as fun as it sounds.  I'm what is sometimes referred to as a pure "O", I obsess, but I don't really have compulsive behaviors though I do have some physical tics. When I was little, I would rub together my fingers and toes until they were callused, just thinking about it now makes me do it.  The most noticeable of my tics was when I would feel like my neck or shoulders needed "stretched" is the only I can describe it, but this right about the time the movie E.T. came out and other kids said I looked like him.  Blinking a lot was another of my nervous tics that kids would notice or make fun of.  I still do this, and sniffle, when I'm stressed or anxious.  OCD and Tourette's Syndrome are related disorders on the same spectrum.  I'm just thankful that I didn't have more outwardly obvious signs such as yelling out or making guttural noises as people with Tourette's sometimes do.

As I got older my OCD became more mentally difficult.  I would repeat things constantly in my head, saying imaginary conversations until French, then Sign Language, then Spanish.  Meaningless conversations that I would never have but for some reason I "had" to repeat them over in my head until they were "perfect", whatever that was.  My mind would race at night and I would have difficulty shutting it off so I could sleep.  Going to new places was very difficult for me, I had so much anxiety over would I find the right place, would I get there on time, would people watch me come in.  What if I tripped?  What if I said something really odd?  I would check, and double check, and triple check the time I needed to be there, and the address where I was going.  When I was driving, I would worry that I would intentionally run someone over and I wouldn't be able to control myself from doing something awful.  This is actually very common for someone with OCD, the fear that you'll harm someone.  For some people, this is related to their compulsions.  They "have to" touch something a certain number of times, for example, or bad things will happen to their loved ones. 

I've been on Zoloft for many years and it's what keeps me sane and functioning.  Sometimes I'll try to go off it to see if I can, or I don't have insurance or can't afford it at the moment and I realize it's something I truly need.  It's not a crutch, nor a mask to avoid facing my problems.  I have no shame that I need medication to keep me functioning.  Shameful is having a fixable problem and refusing to help yourself, whether that be counseling, medication, nutrition, meditation, etc.  Not all people with OCD need or respond to medication, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) has been shown to work very well.  Not all people with depression need medication either, there are situational stressors or times of grief that may not be appropriate to treat this way.  But I'm talking about me and only for me. Just, please, next time when you joke about "your OCD" think about what it really involves.

The Last Days of Freedom

It's been a glorious summer at the coast, almost like being on a 3 month vacation.  Other than job hunting I was free to cavort on the beach, hang out at the pool and discover my new area. I hadn't had a summer off since early high school.  No job, no real responsibilities, just hangin' wit' ma homies.  Well, except my homies this time were a dog and cat.  Melody and Ursula hadn't moved over to the coast yet, and Prince Eric and Sebastian went off to work everyday so Flounder and I did a lot of bonding . . . when he wasn't scratching his fleas.

But, now summer is over.  Melody is back and Ursula is all moved into her new place.  And, I'M STARTING  A NEW JOB!!!  Finally, after several applications and interviews, I landed a job for the county, doing outreach and enrollment for state health programs.  Pays well, insurance benefits after 1 full month, 401k contributions and it uses my degree and experience. 

Sebastian heads back to college in a few weeks and tomorrow Melody starts 10th grade at her new school, a small K-12 charter school of 220 kids 35 miles away.  According to just about everyone, the high school we are zoned for is rampant with drugs and gangs.  Not what I expected in a fairly small coastal region.  Hopefully, this other option will work out well.

The crisper air is moving in, the days are becoming shorter and the tourists are heading back to their normal routines.  The whales are heading back to their warmer homes in Mexico and we are settling in to our new lives as locals.  Ooh, the wheel in the sky keeps on turnin' . . . .

Bloom Where You're Planted

The best part of moving to a new area?  Discovering all the new things to do, especially if you live in a touristy area that is trying to attract people to come visit.  Prince Eric and I are throwing ourselves into our new community; we've made the local newspaper twice in the 2 months we've lived here.  Besides doing all the usual beach stuff (tide pooling, crabbing, clamming, whale watching and float finding), we've participated in some of the local festivities (HOA potlucks, Fourth of July sing-a-long, softball games, Chamber of Commerce events, and a local version of the Amazing Race). Yesterday, we were pirates. 

Our little town on the coast is rumored to have been a hideout for famous 16th century captain Sir Francis Drake and a local pirate fan club has hosted an annual all-day pirate treasure hunt as a fundraiser for our local food bank for 8 years.  The cannon blew at 10 am and we were off on our adventure of completing challenges, solving clues and dodging scalliwags!  Our goodwill purchased outfits were good enough to please the tourists and it was fun being asked to pose in  pictures.  I didn't feel any snooty disdain from the more elaborately dressed participants either, some coming from Idaho and Washington to compete.   At the end of the day, we came in 3rd place and won about $300 worth of swag and gift certificates.  Yay team Booty Snatchers!

I was painfully shy as a child, terrified to speak up in class and not comfortable in new situations.  Thankfully, I've overcome most of those feelings and I try not to let that shyness hold me back.  It took me a long time but I'm grateful that I've found a willing and eager partner, Prince Eric, to encourage and accompany me on my adventures.  We can be silly and goofy together as we go beyond my comfort zone.  I regret missing out on things when I was younger because I felt too awkward or that people would look at me.  You realize as you age that people pay far less attention to you than you think and I wish I could impart to my daughter the message to follow your dreams without reservation.  I love that she competes in sports and puts herself out there much more than I ever did.  This move, going into her second year of high school, is not easy for her.  She's leaving her longtime friends at a time when they are more important than anything.  As the new school year is about to start I hope she can embrace this new area and open herself up to the many possibilities ahead.  Ultimately, what you go through in life may be out of your control, but how you go through it is up to you.  I'm determined to make the most of this short ride.  Wanna come along?

From left: Prince Eric, me, a mermaid, and our pirate partner, "Loretta"

Not All Who Wander Are Lost

I enjoy traveling by myself; I am an excellent companion.  I never have the radio too loud or too quiet, or complain about being too hot or too cold.  I always like my audio book choices.  And, I can wander off the beaten path.  Prince Eric does not like to wander.  He likes to get from Point A to Point B efficiently, on time and with clear directions.  Today I went on a short solo road trip (less than 2 hours away) to have lunch with a friend and to do some shopping in stores we don't have here . . . which would be about anything but Fred Meyer and WalMart.

I wandered off the path, not intentionally, when I followed a sign that said "Salem".  This back road took a little longer, I didn't come into the city at the spot I expected, but I saw bucolic farms and fields of corn, Tall Fescue and Perennial Rye.  I saw roadside flower and fruit stands and a historic cemetery.  I like finding the unexpected and the thrill of relying on myself to navigate.  This girl doesn't use a gps to get around.  I like a real map and knowing which way is North.  As long as I'm headed the right general direction I know I'll be alright.  Do I get lost?  Yep.  Do I have to backtrack sometimes? Yep (okay, more than sometimes).  Prince Eric hates to backtrack.

Today while wandering I discovered a Goodwill Outlet store.  I don't recommend it.  If you don't like the disorganization of the regular Goodwill store, you certainly won't like this warehouse filled with long tables holding bins of random crap.  Sketchy people paw through and pay by the pound for items.  Yikes.

Today while wandering I came across the state mental hospital and the state capitol.  Blocking the lane to one of the state buildings was a blue van with "Police Explosive Unit" painted on the side.  Hmm, think I won't linger here . . .Gradually I head back west towards the ocean. 

Today while wandering I also discovered a button on my new smart phone.  "Navigate" "Speak Location".  . . It was kind of impressive. . . . but I'll never stop wandering.

Big Fish, Small Pond: Job Hunting in a Coastal Community

I have sent 31 resumes, gone on 5 interviews and had 2 skills tests.  Like most coastal towns, much of the area is tourist driven.  Like many small towns, the area is also economically depressed and limited in it's professional positions.  Today, I took a skills test for a good pay, benefitted county office position . . . along with nearly 70 other candidates.  I'm starting to see the same people.  In addition to a neighbor lady, I recognized at least 2 from another skills test.  These 70 people are just the ones who passed the requirement of having some higher education and at least 3 years office experience.

We eye each other in a wary camaraderie, sizing up the competition.  I mentally dismiss half the room as lacking my skills and abilities.  First to go are the 5 who didn't bring the blue ball point pen requested in the invite email.  Next, I check off the ones who showed up in jeans and sweatshirts.  Now, I didn't dress quite "interview ready" but almost.  A few more are crossed off when they ask dumb questions.  Now, the test begins. . . .we are given 45 minutes for the first portion and have to wait the whole time until beginning section 2.  Two people get up and go to the bathroom.  You're out!! I think as the emailed instructions said they preferred we not leave the testing area.  I like it when the stupids weed themselves out of the lineup.

Luckily, tests are my forte; I was the odd kid who loved the annual achievement tests at school.  Being such a prolific reader, I easily recognize misspelled words and grammar error. Not only was this a breeze, but we got to read a book of our choice when we were done.  The best part, this was a pressure free atmosphere - no grades involved.  Today had a little more at stake - 1 job and 70 candidates.  At the end of the tests, the hiring manager said the top 16 would be selected for an interview.  Ahh, the stakes have changed: 1 job, me and 15 others.  I will be in that interview group.  :)

How to Have a Successful Bucket List

How many of you have a "Bucket List"?  Probably many of you have a few ideas kicking around in your brain, but I'm talking about a written-down certifiable list.  Prince Eric and I were talking tonight and he mentioned how he always wanted to go the Football Hall of Fame in Canton, OH and we should plan a trip.  I countered with I would, but then I would get to drag him somewhere I always wanted to go and suggested the Mall of America.  Little did I know he actually wanted to go there too . . . . so my plan to stick him in misery didn't work, but I did get one more item to add to my list.  And, I can mark off Ohio to my list of states visited.

I first started my informal mental list around the time I achieved my goal of learning to drive a stick shift in 1999, then I went to a few places I always wanted to go- Las Vegas and Mexico.  Somewhere along the way I wrote down some things I wanted to do in a notebook and mostly forgot about it.  Finally, almost 3 years ago I utilized the public forum of Facebook to post my list and now it's always handy and visible.   Every year, I strive to mark off at least one thing on my list and I've been able to keep to it.  Technically, I have 2013 already done because we have a trip to Disneyland planned for December. But I keep thinking about the community college course catalog that came in the mail last week and has beginning and intermediate Sign Language classes being offered.  I took these classes many years ago but I am far from fluent.  I think it's time to start working on one of my medium dreams!  So, here's a few tips to get you started.

1.  Dream Big . . .  and medium and small.
     Add those pie-in-the-sky dreams in, the ones that might seem far out of reach, or unattainable.  It gives you a goal to look forward to and work towards.  But, also put the doable one & done down so you don't get discouraged.  Then, think of a few medium ones that might take a little longer, but are still within the realm of possibility.  Don't be afraid to just "sample" a dream.  I wanted to learn to knit and play the violin.  I learned one basic stitch, made a hat and scarf and I was done.  I haven't knit anything since.  I learned to play "Mary Had a Little Lamb" on the violin, and never played again.  It's okay to be easily satisfied with the experience.  I didn't feel I had to master the techniques.

2.  Complete at least one thing off your list every year.
    This gives you a sense of accomplishment and pushes you to do something that might be a little uncomfortable, but worth it.

3.  Update (add, delete, mark off) your list often.
     List new dreams as you think of them.  Delete those dreams that you no longer have interest in or that you're dreading.  This is for fun, not punishment.  Just because it was your dream at 20 doesn't mean you still want to do it at 30.  Case in point:  many years ago I saw a PBS special on the Appalachian Trail that followed a group of average people walking it.  Well, I only saw the episode that had them walking a paved trail and I thought this was what the whole trail was like. . . when I found out the reality I wasn't so interested. It remains on my list, but I scaled back from completing the AT to setting foot on it.  When you do complete an item, put the date on it, and maybe write a little about it.  It's fun to go back and see what you've done over the years.

4.  Tell people your dreams!
     You never know who knows somebody who might be able to help you achieve your dream.  Friends and family - I want to see your lists!  Maybe I'll see a good Christmas or birthday present idea.  I've come close twice to baling hay, one of my dreams, because of friend's farm connections.


MY LIST:
Bale hay
Write a book
Become fluent in another language
Lifetime member status Weight Watchers (maintain within 2 lbs goal weight)
Visit all 50 states (have done about 1/2)
Travel Europe
Pole dance
Running of the Bulls
Walk Appalachian Trail
Take a car repair course
Go to Disneyland
Build something usable
Stay the night somewhere haunted.
Go on a motorcycle ride
go to Breitenbush Hot Springs (aka organic hippy commune clothing optional springs)
visit / pick in a cranberry bog
go to an Easter Sunrise Service
go to Hooter's
go to the Mall of America

Previously accomplished:
learn to drive stick - 1999
knit a scarf & hat - 2005
polar bear swim -2006
play the violin - 2002
Get bachelors degree before 30 yrs old - dec 2002
Belly button pierced - 1995
Go to Mexico - 2004
Go to Las Vegas - 2000
Go greener every year
grow a garden - 2008
have chickens - mar 2011
catch a fish - may 2011
skinny dipped in Cabo! - Sept 2011
Snowshoed on Mt Bachelor - 12/31/11
go to McMenamins Edgefield - Mar 2012
Belly danced - 11/13/12

A Poo-purseful Walk

Due to my current unemployed status, Flounder and I have been taking lots of walks lately.  It's nice that we live in wooded area with paved trails and even a trail along the cliffside overlooking the ocean. We have a regular house, with a small yard where Flounder is let out to relieve himself as he needs.  He's never been a dog who has to go outside constantly, twice a day and he's good.  Lately, however, that has not been good enough.

It's a couple minute walk to get our mail so I usually take Flounder on this daily trip over to the communal box.  I grab the mailbox key and his leash as he does his happy dance.  Just the slightest suggestion that we might be going outside excites Flounder.  Then he gives me the look, the one that says "grab a bag lady, maybe two even" and I hunt around for a plastic poo picker upper bag.  Why has my daily "get a little exercise and nature" stroll turned into turd duty?  Yes, I said doody, snicker. . .  Is it the suggestion of other dogs that turns his bowels a churning?  Almost every trailhead of this HOA has the bag boxes & a garbage can.  I think Flounder is beginning to recognize what that squatting dog picture means he just doesn't realize it's for pet owners convenience, not a requirement. Think of it as a Suggested Speed Sign as you go around a corner, not a Stop Sign you have to obey.

So off we go . . . am I looking at birds and squirrels scampering, or listening to the roar of the ocean and the clang of the whistle buoy?  No, I'm eyeing a bulging rectum wondering when it's going to drop and I hope we'll be near a garbage can when it does.  When it finally does, I turn that baggy inside out, stick my hand in and grab those warm gooshy poo-goobers.  Ahh, the joys of being a dog owner.  Who's really in charge here . . . .

My Inner Child is a Mermaid

I’ve always been drawn to water, it’s my happy place.  I was born in Seattle, my maternal family are long time Washingtonian fisherman, and 20 years of my life was spent growing up on the shores of the Hood Canal and Puget Sound.  Now, after 14 years of living in high desert climes I have returned to my beloved.  Newly 40, newly engaged and newly unemployed, I quit my job, gathered my teenage daughter, college-age son and aging mother to follow my fiancé who was offered a job transfer to the Oregon coast.

All this newfound free time has given me ample opportunity to mind-wander.  I wonder if ocean fascination is particular to those of us in the west.  Do people in Kansas dream of dipping their toes in this great sea too?  I could spend hours watching the ocean waves crash against the rocks, eddying between boulders, or just quietly ebbing & flowing with the tides.  There is such a pull that I think it must be primordial.  Is it because we evolved from ocean dwelling creatures and that salty water still circulates in our blood?  Or is it not so far back, remembering our time in the womb and living (and breathing!) in this watery cocoon.  My new status – as an unemployed (almost) housewife after years of being single and fiercely independent has caused me to re-evaluate my role in my house as well as the greater society.  Mother nature, mother earth . . . why do we feminize these things, is it fickleness of weather, power of storms, cyclic-ness of seasons that remind of us of the women in our life?  Is it a compliment or an insult? 

In the past, it was believed that a women’s cycle corresponded with the moon’s cycle with ovulation at the full moon and menses at the new moon.  Now that we are not dependent on natural light and nature’s bounty, have we become out of tune? “Normal” menstrual cycles are based on lunar months of 28 days, the same lunar cycles that regulate the tides.  Can we blame our shift towards man-made everything for irregularity?  I’m not a hippie-granola-non deodorant wearing-hairy armpits-earth mother by any means, but maybe we’ve come too far from our origins.  Something to ponder?

“When anxious, uneasy and bad thoughts come, I go to the sea, and the sea drowns them out with its great wide sounds, cleanses me with its noise, and imposes a rhythm upon everything in me that is bewildered and confused."
- Rainer Maria Rilke

 

"It is an interesting biological fact that all of us have in our veins the exact same percentage of salt in our blood that exists in the ocean, and therefore, we have salt in our blood, in our sweat, in our tears.

We are tied to the ocean. And when we go back to the sea--whether it is to sail or to watch it--we are going back from whence we came."
- John F. Kennedy