Three Steps Forward

Sometimes you just know something feels right.  My original post about Athena's Victory also started out like this.  I had an idea and I ran with it; I evolved and it evolved with me.  I pushed myself out of my comfort zone, I researched a world I knew nothing about and I met some very supportive people.  What feels right, right now, is that I end my pursuit of owning a business.  I love the idea of a medical retail store that is focused on those in the LGBTQ+ community, of having prosthetic devices and specialized products for those who are transgendered.  It's an idea whose time has come.  Transgendered people make up a larger portion of the community than you'd ever expect.  I know, I've met many in our area, and I appreciate their support and candor in helping me achieve my dream.

I also appreciate the help at the Lane County Small Business Development Center.  Most communities have a SBDC that offers free mentorship and low cost classes and workshops.  They're goal is to help you develop your idea and if your business plan ends up showing that your idea isn't ready, that isn't a failure.  A failure is jumping in without being thoroughly aware of all the costs and work involved.  The more I delved into my business plan, the more regulations and costs came up: physical space requirements, liability insurance, personal start up capital, government inspections, etc.  I'm proud of the work I did; I took a chance on a dream and in the end, I wasn't too proud to realize that I'm not the type of person that wants the responsibility of running my own business.  I like to be stress free and come home from work and be done with it mentally.  I don't want to be constantly worrying about making enough money to pay back loans.

I'm sad that Athena's Victory isn't going to happen, but I'm also relieved.  A year ago or so I was at lunch with a friend when our conversation made her realize she didn't want to continue her marriage.  It was like watching a light bulb go off in her head.  The other night I had a conversation where I said I may not do the store if obstacles kept coming up and I realized as I spoke that it felt like giving myself permission to back out.  It was a bittersweet moment just as I imagine it was for my friend on her marriage.  It's okay to be sad and grieve the loss of your dream, but it's also okay to cut your losses and move on.

Back in the Saddle Again

Bless me audience, for I have sinned. It’s been almost a year since my last confession.

 My sin?  Some would think it’s just the act of living in general.  I think mine’s more a sin of omission.  Of ignoring my dream and passion, of letting the fear of the new and unknown keep me down.  Last March, I was gung-ho on a mission to open Athena’s Victory, my cancer support store.   I signed up with the small business development council at the coast, got a business license, a website, researched the market, took a mastectomy bra fitting certification class . . . .then . . . nothing.

I dropped the ball for a few reasons: we had an opportunity to move inland for Prince Eric to pursue a dream of his, and I was turned down by the closest place that did mastectomy bra fitting.  For testing for certification, you have to train for a certain number of hours under a licensed person first.  The only place in the general area was discouraging; not knowing anything about me and my background, she assumed I didn’t have the proper skills, nor did she want to train someone to be competition.  I give up easily.  It’s from a fear of failure, I’ve always given up when things become hard or challenging.  I’ve kept Athena’s Victory in the back of my mind but didn’t really think it was ever going to happen.  Financially, we’re paycheck to paycheck with both of us working, how would we do it with only one stable income?  Again, I let fear do most of the thinking.

Flash forward to November and the election of our now President.  It’s not what I expected, nor what I wanted.  I’m not going to bitch and complain about it but I’m not going to roll over and accept whatever happens either.  I plan on continuing to demonstrate kindness, tolerance and stand up for fellow humankind through my thoughts, words and deeds.  I hope he’s the best president ever.  I hope he unites the country and puts us in prosperous times.  Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, right?

I think even more so now, the world needs a place like Athena’s Victory.  On June 11th, 2016, I was celebrating my son’s college graduation at a local gay nightclub’s Friday night drag show.  I woke up June 12th to the news of the mass shooting at Pulse nightclub in Orlando which killed 49 people and injured 53 others, mostly gay young men.  How easily it could have been us out for a fun night, shot to death only for our own or our loved ones sexual orientation?  It’s awful to think that things only seem to matter when they directly affect us or hit home like that, but it’s time to think beyond our own insular world of comfort.  It was then that I decided to expand Athena’s Victory from a cancer support retail store to one that also welcomed people recovering from transition surgery, or who were searching for clothing or bras to fit a body that wasn’t the norm.  Whether you’re a 70 year old woman looking for a mastectomy bra after cancer surgery, or a 30 year old man transitioning to correctly become the woman you’ve been inside, you will be welcomed and treated with respect and dignity.

Flash forward to today:  I signed up for small business classes at our local community college.  I can do my current job and take workshops around my schedule.   They have a series of classes to help develop a business as well as free advice from mentors.

 Yep, back in the saddle again.

What the Fudge?

I couldn't even write it in the title.  Fuck.  That word and others in it's vein make me cringe.  I didn't always use to be this prudey and it's only been the last couple of years that I've noticed this internal reaction to a combination of letters strung together.  Notice I even took Bitch out of my blog title?

Even in my younger years, I was never a big swearer.  Sure, some mild swearing, the type you hear on TV nowadays i.e. bitch, crap, ass, occasionally pepper my world.  If I'm really mad or have an unexpected injury the f-bomb has been known to slip out, but it embarrasses me.  When my kids were little and experimenting with language I told them words were nothing but letters and sounds put together, but it was the meaning people ascribed to them that made them important. Words and language fascinate me.  What they mean, how we learn them, their origin, how they're spelled, how words in other languages can be very similar.  I've taken classes in Spanish, American Sign Language, Mandarin Chinese and French but only remember a few words of the latter two and a dabbling of the former.

I've seen facebooks posts and memes recently that extol the virtues of swearing -  people who swear tend to be more honest and trustworthy, that swearing releases emotion that relieves pain, etc.  Interestingly, regular words and swear words come from different areas of the brain.  This article  explains how it works and makes a lot of sense.  Maybe it's not the curse words I'm uncomfortable with but the display of emotion. Though, a lot of swearing I see on facebook doesn't come from emotion, more of just a word filler.  Anyhoo, I've been sitting on this post for months now and thought I'd put it out there. 

What if . . .

Sometimes an idea hits you unexpectedly and just feels right.  Don’t most things start with someone thinking “what if…”  Recently someone in my life was diagnosed with cancer.  I’m a research and action person.  What is it, and what can I do.  I’m not an outwardly emotionally expressive person and I have a hard time being comforting.  I express myself through gifts.  I love to surprise others with small treasures or a “get-well” bag.  At times, I’ve anonymously left a greeting card or a small gift for someone sick or feeling down. 

I googled “gift ideas for cancer patients” to try to come up with some appropriate things and I found lots of cancer medical information, discussion forums, cancer awareness sites and a few cancer related shops. Not exactly what I was looking for, but I did learn a few things.  For example, chemo patients often get very dry skin and lips, but can be sensitive to fragrances and chemicals that never bothered them before.   Flowers and plants can carry mold spores that are dangerous to those with a lowered immune system, and mylar balloons may interfere with medical machinery.  Most people would not think to consider these things in their well-meaning attempts to reach out.

Also, did you know that chemo can cause your finger and toenails to separate and there are ice pack gloves and slippers that may help prevent that from happening?  These gloves and slippers also help with neuropathy that may develop from chemo.  A cancer survivor suggested a Clapper would have been a welcome gift for when she was too sick to get out of bed to turn the lights off and on.  Another said hard candy kept her from the after effects of a metal taste in her mouth.  From my previous work in healthcare, I’ve heard the suggestion of peppermint candies helping with nausea in AIDS as well as cancer patients.

What if I made a place that is warm and comforting, that gives you hope and lifts your spirits a little: humorous books and gift items, inspirational wall hangings and things that make you feel beautiful.  I want the prettiest scarves and the softest slippers.  Chemically-free soaps and make-up.  Surgical grade hypo-allergenic jewelry.  Organic chocolates and candy.  Gorgeous pajamas that don’t hurt your skin and are easily put on/removed and washable. A place you can indulge without suffering or feeling guilt.  Along with these things, I want practical items.  Long-handled shoehorns, reacher /grabber sticks, decorative barf bags.  Incidentally, I discovered once that those rolls of plastic doggy waste bags are excellent for puking while traveling.

I would have a section with local resources and support groups.  Maybe monthly sessions featuring wig designers or make-up lessons after losing your eyebrows and eyelashes, or holistic support with nutrition classes, yoga classes, feng shui, reiki or spiritually based workshops.  The possibilities are endless because unfortunately my market base has a never ending supply of new people.  Above all, it would be a place that helps make life a little brighter for loved ones going through a disease process.  A place you can go to when you’re at a loss on how to help the newly diagnosed person in your life in a practical and comforting way.

What if this is what my life has been leading up to being.  I’ve spent over 20 years working in healthcare and social services.  People find me compassionate, patient and understanding.  Starting a business scares me, that is a giant leap of faith.  But, isn’t that what living life is all about?

UPDATED: Open Letter to Corban University: Corban's response

UPDATE:  To my surprise, Corban University actually responded to my email and I'm impressed with the the honest and open conversation we had.  You don't have to agree with someone to have a respectful attitude towards them and be willing to listen.  While I have different values and beliefs, I support Corban's right as a private institution to set the rules as they see fit.  See the full conversation below.

Hello again my readers; it's been awhile since my last post.  I have to be sufficiently moved by inspiration before I can make the effort to sit down and write.  Today an email moved me into action. My youngest is now a high school senior:  college visits, SAT's, applications, financial aid discussions.  I received this email from Corban University, one of a few that Melody was considering attending.

Dear Parent,

I'm writing to let you know that M. has submitted an application to Corban University. I'm so pleased to have the opportunity to learn more about M. and to get to know your family.

You probably want to know more about our Christian community as well. What could M. study at Corban? What does the campus look like? Can I afford a Corban education? How can we set up a visit? You'll find information about these topics and more on our website.

I invite you to pay particular attention to The Corban Promise, a loan repayment assistance program available to all 2016 incoming students. This program guarantees that debt will not stand in the way of our graduates' successful futures, and we're so excited to empower our students with our commitment to this promise.

I can't wait to consider M.. for admission to Corban. Once we receive your student's transcript, Christian Character Reference and test scores, we can send an admission decision in two weeks.

I know you're proud of M.., and rightly so. Please feel free to call my office at 1-800-845-3005 with any questions.

Sincerely,

Director of Admissions
Corban University

P.S. To learn more about Corban, visit our website.

Yeah, here's the thing, Corban.  I did visit your website and I don't know that our family fits in with your "Christian Character".  Ultimately, it is Melody's choice what is the best college environment for her, but your college is not one I'm going to encourage her to attend.  As a private college, you can make your own rules.  But I cannot fathom sending my child to a place where she is not allowed to love and be loved as God made her.

So, Corban, here is my response to you:

I am proud of Melody. 

I'm proud she's a smart, driven, thoughtful young Christian woman.  Once you get to know Melody and our family, will you be as welcoming when you find out that both of my children identify as gay?  Apparently our family values don't align with Corban University's listed beliefs.  Are all the traits that make her a good Corban candidate negated because of who she loves?  If you can't be proud of all the facets of who she is, why should she be proud to attend your school?

Debt may not stand in the way of her success at Corban but the school's homophobic attitude might.  What would Jesus do?

Corban Response:

I hope this email finds you well. Thank you for taking the time to write to us and to articulate your thoughts—they are valued and heard.

It sounds like your daughter is a talented and accomplished young woman, who has much to offer any university that she attends. It is encouraging to hear that she comes from a family who wants to support her in her next steps as she looks to apply at colleges.

As you mentioned in your email, you want M. to succeed while she is in college—as do we. And it all begins with setting her up for success. While we want students at Corban, we believe it is important to find a university which is going to be the best fit—in terms of what the school teaches, what they have to offer in extracurricular, the over-all campus atmosphere, etc.

You are asking important questions. Our prayer is that each student finds a college they can call “home.” Corban’s mission is “to educate Christians who will make a difference in the world for Jesus Christ.” Because of this, our focus is that our students have a relationship with Jesus Christ. We’re committed to walking through this process with M. to see if Corban is a good fit.

               

If you do have questions about what we believe specifically on our Faith Statement, please do not hesitate to reach out. We want to be of service to you, and to M. If M. would like to withdraw or continue with her application, —please let me know if I can be of assistance and help.

Again, I appreciate you taking the time to write to us and I am praying that M. finds a university which will be the best fit for her.

ME:

Thank you, I appreciate your sincere reply.  My question is:  While she is attending Corban, would M. be allowed to date another female?  What would your consequences be if she did?  Also, would she be subject to conversations and the belief that homosexuality is wrong and against God?

She is interested in attending Corban, but these are things that she needs to know beforehand.

Corban:

Thank you for your response. This is an important dialogue to ensure M. is learning in a comfortable atmosphere.

As you read in Corban’s faith statement, Corban believes God created humans male and female and has ordained marriage as a union between one man and one woman according to Genesis 1:26-27, 2:18-25 and Matthew 19:1-9. You asked if your daughter would be “allowed” to date another female. Because you are asking these questions, I can tell you are looking for honesty and want to do my job well by explaining to you what life might look like at Corban for her.

Due to our definition of what a healthy relationship is, the college believes any sexual activity outside of marriage is not healthy nor what is honoring to God. At Corban, we believe that sexuality is an important and vital part of the human experience and has been clearly created by God. That being said, we believe sexuality is to be enjoyed within the safety and commitment of marriage as outlined above.

We believe that marriage is a gift created by God, and dating relationships are a prerequisite of sorts to marriage in most cases. Because Corban’s view on marriage, as outlined in Scripture, defines marriage as one man and one woman, we would hold our students accountable to lead a lifestyle that is honoring to our Creator. Often an unpopular term, “sin” is what we would call any action or lifestyle that contradicts God based on what we know of God and our actions/lifestyle as outlined in Scripture. Corban would define sin as “separation from God.” The university wants to encourage and bring students closer to Christ in their life. The university would not see sin as bringing a student closer to Christ and thus would work with the student to bring redemption.

It is important to understand that any sin involving sexuality is a concern at the college. Much like a student who deals with lying or anger. All of us have a sinful nature and must be mentored and guided in different areas of sin. At Corban, we foster a community of respect and value where each student is viewed as being made in the image of God. If a student experiences any sort of discomfort based on others treatment, we do not tolerate that and believe that is not how God calls us to live. If M. attended Corban and was made to feel “less” or “unworthy”, that is completely unacceptable. Conversations, much like the one we are having right now, is what is needed as we all must be held accountable to our Savior and our interpretation of Scripture.

Getting back to your question, would M. be “allowed” to date another female? Now that the background has been set, the college would not view that relationship as beneficial to her well-being. M. dating another female is possible but it would not be celebrated. The “consequences” of her being in a relationship is we want restoration for all of our students and for , we want her to be able to define how her Christianity and lifestyle coexist because we see Scripture as not silent, but clear. That being said, the college would approach this with love, gentleness, and mercy, I am confident in that. We would be doing a disservice if the college or our students alike did not produce the fruits of the Spirit in every conversation and interaction.

Sexual identity is an important topic and is debated, conversed, and lectured on at the college so M is welcome to those conversations and may offer a unique perspective. The college learning environment is all about asking questions, learning, and establishing your ideas and thoughts. That being said, if we identify as Christians, our guidebook is the Bible and we must hold our thoughts and views as submissive to the word of God. To answer your question regarding if she would be subject to conversations and the belief that homosexuality is wrong and against God--she will definitely have conversations about sexual identity.  Those conversations however, will be based and guided by Corban’s beliefs that sexuality has a specific purpose and boundaries. Anything outside of those articulated boundaries would be considered unhealthy or “sinful”. As I mentioned earlier, sin is defined as “separation from God” and is contradictory to the nature of God. That being said, we want to teach our students to learn how to live a Christ-honoring life. The college and its faculty/staff will not view “sin” in varying degrees. Sin is sin; however, we recognize different sins have varying degrees of hurt or consequences.

We have many students who have same-sex attraction; however, they have defined their attraction as a “struggle” and are striving to live a life in accordance with Scripture and view Corban’s stance on sexuality as in alignment with their own beliefs. That being said, for those who have same-sex attraction, Corban is a great fit and for some it isn’t. Either way, we strive to show love, mercy, and grace because we all are striving to live a life in accordance to Scripture.

These are important issues to consider, and I would like to be transparent and honest as to where we stand as a university. Again, it is my prayer that M. will find the school which will be the best fit for her.

Please let me know if you do have further questions or concerns.

ME:

Thank you.  I don't think Corban will end up being the best fit for M, but I do appreciate your open and honest dialogue.  I am impressed that you have taken the time to be willing to discuss this in a understanding manner.  I will confirm with her if she wants to withdraw her application at this time.

CORBAN:

Not a problem. I appreciate your willingness to hear me out, and to ask important questions on your daughter’s behalf. It is encouraging to see your support, as well as you care and concern, for M’s well-being as she enters into an exciting, new phase of life.

Let us know what M. decides to do with her application moving forward.

Free Range Chick Ramble

This is my current favorite commercial:  Free Range Geico Chicken  I wanna be a free range chick.  Wander the countryside, ride the rails. . . .I've always wanted to see a hobo in an open train car. . .no definite destination in mind.  Last week, I had a mini traveling adventure after I dropped Melody off at the airport for her Spring Break trip to Costa Rica.  Prince Eric was stuck at home because of his softball game schedule and Frenchie was off to ski the mountain for a week.  This was "una aventura del solo", sometimes my favorite way to travel.

I wrote a blog post (way back in 2013) about my love, and Prince Eric's dislike, of wandering.   There's something exciting about being free to do whatever you want for a couple of days.  I had no goal, no responsibilities or requirements.  I let the trip happen organically, deciding on the spot whether to turn into a store or park, or which road sign to follow.

I pointed my car first towards IKEA, it's fun to look through occasionally, especially on a weekday morning when it's not extremely crowded.  I was also needing a new fitted bed sheet, which I was able to find there without having to buy a whole bedding set.  Next, hmm, not sure.  Let's wander down the highway.  I saw a sign for the Forestry Museum - yes! I've always wanted to go there but never had much interest from anyone else.  I took the turnoff and headed towards the museum - drat!  They were doing some sort of conference training there.   Okay, moving on . . .zoo?  Nah.  Washington Park Arboretum?  Maybe, nope not feeling it.  Down the hillside, there are some really cool houses here, to downtown Portland.  Yikes, now I remember why I hate driving in Portland, the traffic is horrible.  Powells?  Buffalo Exchange?  I just wasn't in the mood to shop either, I want to downsize not add more to my collection. I continued across the bridge and drove past Voodoo Donuts and felt my trusty mazda nose into the parking lot.  One bavarian cream filled maple bar topped with crushed oreo and frosting later, I was back on the road and headed northwest.  I was in the mood to drive and I had plenty of audio cd books to sustain me.  I vaguely thought I would head for St. Helens, Twilight was partially filmed here and I was hoping to spot Bella's house.  Yep, I just outed myself as a Twilight Fan.  The downside of wandering with no destination?  You're not fully prepared.  I was hoping to see a big sign "Twilight house - this way!"with a big arrow but since I had no directions to follow, it didn't happen.

Ooh- Goodwill!  I love to stop at Goodwill's in other towns.  One purchase later  - a red and white polka dot scarf- I once again was headed north.

 A little down the road I spotted a sign for Sauvie Island - a place I've always wanted to explore.  I crossed the bridge to this agricultural oasis and drove the length of the island until I hit a dead end.  Turned around and continued on.  Not as exciting as I envisioned, but now I can say I've been here.

Another downside to wandering aimlessly, I tend to underestimate how long it will take me to get somewhere and end up too far from home to get back the same day.  I had left it loosey-goosey and hadn't decided whether I was going to make it home tonight or stay somewhere.  Once in Astoria, I followed the signs to the Astoria Column at the top of the town.  I had climbed this tall 164 step column 2-3 times over the years and thought that would be a good way to stretch my legs and burn a few calories.  Omigosh, huff puff wheeze.  My calves were killing me, my lungs were protesting.  I knew I was out of shape, but this was tougher than I thought.  Nice view, now I'm outta here.  Going down the circular staircase was much easier than up.

I was now solidly into the late afternoon and needed to decide on whether to stop somewhere or push on through to home.  I started south again, heading toward the north coast.  I passed Fort Clatsop, the winter camp for Lewis and Clark, then Fort Stevens, home to the Peter Iredale shipwreck on the beach.  I vaguely thought about stopping but chose to go to Seaside and decide when I got there.  It being the start of Spring Break I wasn't sure about the availability or affordability of a beach hotel but I was pleasantly surprised to see lots of vacancies and ended up with an ocean view for a good price.  I walked downtown on the Prom, ate dinner and came back via the beach at sunset.  Swingsets on the beach??!! Awesome idea!  The tide was out far and lots of people were digging clams, building sandcastles and dodging the waves.  I was happy to find whole sand dollars, I hadn't seen an unbroken one on the beach in years.  Perfect day.

Day 2:  I was only a couple hours away from home and was ready to be back.  I still had two more days off after this.  Sigh, if only I could work 3 or 4 days a week all the time, but get paid for 5.  I made the obligatory stop at the Tillamook Jerky Outlet and the Cheese Factory, hit Cape Meares lighthouse and then the last stretch into my county.

Ooh- Goodwill!  Red shoes, resistance is futile.

Betrayal, Memories and Talismans

We look at him through different eyes now. That one moment changed how all of us thought. I know it’s a natural instinct, especially for some breeds including his, but it felt like a betrayal. I heard Flounder’s incessant barking and went out into the yard to yell at him to stop. I rounded the corner of the house and saw both dogs standing over something on the ground. A towel? A stuffed toy? 

Oh no. It only took a second for my mind to click on what it was. Or more like who: Zorro. My Zorzor, my ginger tabby who could be quite an ass, was who lay prone on the ground. Had he been sick? Attacked by a wild animal? Even though I saw the saliva on him and the dog standing over him my mind rejected the obvious at first. He had no signs of injury but his head flopped when I picked him up and I knew his neck was broken. He was still soft and warm and his eyes had yet to cloud over. I carried him back to the house calling Prince Eric’s name as I sobbed.

“He’s dead. I don’t what happened. I don’t think Loki did it. I don’t know if Loki did it. I think Loki did it.” 

I voiced this all in one thought, inconceivable at first but I knew that’s what happened. We only had this beautiful, sweet, young dog for a month but we had noticed he liked to chase and bark at the cats when they ran from him. It never crossed my mind that he would actually injure one. Grimsby had taken to hiding in the closet high up on the shelves and hissed if he came near him. Zorro was the type to flee. Due to his frequent “pissed off” mood, (meaning he peed on things when he was mad) he spent a lot of time outside. Until Loki came, he was ecstatic. He had found his true place outside, only coming in to eat and would act like the walls were closing in on him if he was forced to stay inside due to the cold weather. We didn’t see him for a full week when we first got Loki and then just got occasional glimpses as he streaked by. He liked to hide under the back porch and I think this is where he was on that last day. Loki caught his scent and sniffed around under the porch and the chase was on. Oh poor Zorro, you didn’t deserve this.

None of us wanted to acknowledge Loki. We knew he had no concept of what happened but he was hard to face. It was several hours before Flounder would go near him. I don’t know whether he was afraid of him or did he feel betrayed, too? We made the quick decision that we had to find Loki a new home. We couldn’t live in fear of coming home to another dead cat or dog. Or what if there had been a baby in the home? I have no idea if his aggression carries over to small dogs or children; we’ve never seen him near either, but I can’t chance it. We contacted the previous owner who requested we find him a new home. Tomorrow, he is being taken to our local shelter and they will evaluate his behavior and aggression and hopefully clear him for a new family without cats.

Everyone was subdued the rest of the day, Flounder stayed near us and Loki was uncharacteristically quiet. He looked at us with confusion and seemingly mournful eyes. Again, I don’t think he had a concept of what happened but he could sense the mood of the room.

At Melody’s insistence I made arrangements to have Zorro cremated at Pathways Pet Memorial Garden. Unfortunately, this was after he had been buried for 2 days already. Prince Eric is a good man. I’ve never had a pet cremated; we’ve either buried them or let the vet make disposal arrangements. But Melody was closest to him and this is what she wanted, she needed that tangible piece to remember him. It’s odd how memories work. I know that the bond I have with Flounder, I will want that touchstone too. When my dad died, we buried half of his ashes in our state’s national cemetery. He was a career military man and I wanted him to have that honor. We spread most of the rest of his ashes on the grave of his parents and kept a little behind. Interestingly, you can have the ashes of your loved ones (human or animal)made into a keepsake.   Just like the ash from Mt. St Helen's. it can be turned into glass or put inside jewelry without being altered.

It is the memory behind things, not the actual object, that keep us holding on to them. An oversimplification, the people on Hoarders extreme cling to past objects because getting rid of it would be like throwing away the person. Don’t we all do that to some extent? We collect souvenirs on trips, concert t-shirts, or we sleep in our boyfriends t-shirt because it smells like him. We hold onto our baby’s “going home from the hospital” outfit and we keep scrapbooks of them growing up. We tuck away that soft, silky lock from a first haircut and those first tiny baby teeth. I still have Fuzzy, my favorite childhood stuffed animal. I also wear my mom’s wedding ring. Besides always liking the design, it is a symbol of a long-lasting, though hardly perfect, marriage. It is a symbol that I felt safe in my family as a child. 

 Though I tend not to keep a lot of things, I have a garage full of tubs that say otherwise. My grandmother’s china, my high school yearbooks, chicken décor that I collected over the years. With every move I’ve pared down, but I would love to live in a tiny house with very little “stuff”. Would I keep china or dishware if it didn’t belong to this grandmother that I’ve never met? No, I certainly have enough dishes. But the woman I’m named after set her family’s table with these plates and cups. Her essence is in them. I’ve been saving them to use at our future wedding (May 25, 2019, you’re all invited) but maybe I should start using them already. Yes, some may break, but what use do they have sitting in the garage and why hold on to meaningless plates when I have a collection of memories I could be using?

Do objects inherently hold power, or just the worth we assign to them?  Like the plates that have my grandmother's essence, think about the objects that once were owned, or even touched by celebrities.  Celebrity touched item; I touched the item; ergo, I touched the celebrity.  It's that special feeling of connection and that there's something magical about this inanimate object.  People carry lucky charms or special bingo daubers. Athletes might make sure they always wear their “lucky shirt” or sports number. Kind of like a placebo drug, if the achieved result is there, does it matter if it’s all because our mind made it happen or if there were outside forces?

Do we imbue non-living things with our living molecules? Psychics sometimes use something belonging to a person to get a read on them. New age thought uses crystals to give certain inner power. Dogs use their sense of smell to track down a missing person. Maybe, are we really tapping into some unconsciously underdeveloped senses when we touch an object and it triggers a mental image? 

On a family trip to San Francisco when I was about 7 years old we saw a vivid sun over the Golden Gate Bridge as we were leaving. We had forgotten our camera for this trip or something and I remember my mom telling us to take a picture with our mind. I can still picture this bright sunshine and green bridge. Do we need “stuff” to hold onto when we can hold it in our mind? And mom, if this isn’t what you remember, don't burst my memory bubble, though I just realized that the Golden Gate Bridge is a red color.  Obviously, memory is imperfect.